Waiting to Live

 Nirmal was 24 years old, and he felt like life had already moved ahead without him.

Not because he didn’t try.
But because nothing he tried seemed to work.

In college, Nirmal was a quiet boy. Not very popular, not very talkative, but sincere. He had a small group of friends, decent marks, and a simple dream — to get a government job, make his parents proud, and live a peaceful life.

And in college, he also fell in love.

It was not a dramatic love story. No big proposals, no long bike rides, no expensive gifts. They mostly walked around the campus, shared food, talked about the future, and laughed at small things. They used to sit on the college steps in the evening and talk about life after college — jobs, cities, maybe a small house somewhere, maybe a simple life. Nothing extraordinary. Just a life together.

But life after college did not go the way they imagined.

She got a job in a private company in another city.
Nirmal decided to prepare for UPSC.

“Just give me some time,” he told her.
“I’ll clear it. Then everything will be okay.”

He believed it when he said it. She believed it too.

One year passed. He failed prelims.
Next year he failed again.
Third year he wrote mains and failed.

In between, he tried SSC, bank exams, state PSC.
Every result day looked the same — roll number not found.

Somewhere during those years, the calls between them became shorter. Messages became fewer. Silences became longer.

One evening she told him softly,
“Nirmal, I waited as much as I could. I am tired of waiting for a life that we are not sure about.”

He didn’t shout.
He didn’t argue.
He didn’t try to stop her.

He just said, “Okay.”

That “okay” stayed inside him like a stone.

After that day, Nirmal studied harder than ever.
But he was not studying for UPSC anymore.
He was studying to prove that he was not a failure.

But the more he tried, the more he failed.
And the more he failed, the more he started overthinking.

His life slowly became very small:
A room.
A table.
Books.
A phone.
Telegram groups.
Current affairs PDFs.
Motivation videos.
And Instagram.

Scrolling became his habit.
He would sit for five minutes and scroll for one hour.

He saw his classmates:
One in Bangalore IT job.
One working in the Gulf.
One got married.
One bought a car.
One posted gym transformation.
One posted office ID card.
One posted engagement photos.

Everyone seemed to be moving.

Only Nirmal felt stuck.

Relatives started asking,
“Still studying?”
“How many years more?”
“Why don’t you write some other exam?”
“Government job is not easy.”
“Go for Private Job?”

He started avoiding family functions.
Stopped meeting friends.
Stopped going out.

He talked less and thought more.
And overthinking is a very dangerous habit.
It looks like thinking, but actually it is just slow self-destruction.

The Forth Failure

The day his UPSC result came, he checked the result three times.

His number was not there.

He didn’t cry.
He didn’t break anything.
He just lay on his bed and looked at the ceiling for a long time.

That night he had one thought again and again:

“What if I am just an average person who cannot do anything big?”

That thought scared him more than failure.

The Rainy Evening

A few days later, his mother asked him to go buy some vegetables from the nearby market.

He didn’t want to go outside.
But he went anyway.

On the way back, it started raining — not heavy rain, just a soft evening rain. The kind of rain that makes the road shine and the air smell like wet soil.

He stood under a small tea shop shade to avoid getting wet.

There was a man standing there, maybe around 50 years old.
Simple shirt, lungi folded, rubber chappals.
He was drinking tea and looking at the rain with a small smile on his face.

Not checking phone.
Not talking to anyone.
Just looking at the rain and smiling.

Nirmal found it strange.

The man looked at him and said,
“Nice rain, right?”

Nirmal replied,
“Not really. I got stuck because of it.”

The man laughed softly.
“Young people always think rain comes at the wrong time.”

Nirmal didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes, the man asked,
“What do you do?”

“I am preparing for UPSC,” Nirmal said.

The man nodded slowly.
“Ah… India’s most common job without salary.”

Nirmal smiled slightly.

Then the man asked,
“How many attempts?”

“Three.”

“Cleared?”

“No.”

The man looked at him for a few seconds and asked softly,
“Sad?”

Nirmal looked at the road and said quietly,
“I feel like I am failing in life.”

The Conversation

The man finished his tea and said calmly,

“Listen… You are not failing in life.
You are only failing in the plans you made for life.”

Nirmal looked at him, confused.

The man pointed at the rain and said,

“If rain comes only when we want, crops will die.
Life also doesn’t come according to our plan.
But when life doesn’t follow our plan, we call it failure.”

He continued,

“Look at me. I run this small tea shop.
I am not rich.
I am not educated much.
I am not successful in society’s eyes.
But every day I drink tea, watch rain, talk to people, go home, sleep peacefully.
Tell me honestly — who is more successful? You or me?”

Nirmal didn’t answer.

The man then said slowly,

“You are sad not because you failed exams.
You are sad because you decided passing exams is the only way your life can be good.
Your problem is not failure.
Your problem is you made very few things very big and everything else very small.”

The rain was still falling softly.

People were running to avoid getting wet.

The man stepped into the rain and started walking without an umbrella.
After a few steps, he turned and said,

“Don’t wait for success to start living.
You might wait your whole life.”

And he walked away.

That night, Nirmal didn’t study.

He sat outside his house and listened:
Dogs barking,
Wind moving through trees,
Pressure cooker whistle from neighbour’s house,
TV sound from somewhere,
Water dripping from the roof,
Someone laughing far away.

For the first time in many years,
He was not thinking about UPSC,
Not thinking about his ex,
Not thinking about his future,
Not thinking about his failures.

He was just sitting there.

Just breathing.
Just alive.

And he felt something very small but very important 
Peace.

The Realization

He understood something slowly that night:

For years he thought his life will start after:
Clearing UPSC,
Getting a job,
Earning money,
Getting married,
Becoming successful.

So he was not living.
He was only waiting.

Waiting to live.
Waiting to be happy.
Waiting to be respected.
Waiting for life to start.

But life had already started long ago.
He just never noticed.

The next morning, Nirmal started studying again.

But this time, it was different.

He was not studying to prove anything.
Not studying to defeat failure.
Not studying to get someone back.
Not studying because others were moving ahead.

He was studying because today he was a person who studies. That’s all.

That evening, it rained again.

This time, Nirmal did not stand under the shade.

He walked slowly in the rain.

People were running to avoid the rain.

But for the first time in many years,
Nirmal was not running from his life anymore.